Hey ya’ll! I hope all is well for everyone during these weird times. With all of this craziness going on some of us may be struggling emotionally. After reflecting on my own emotions, I’ve come to realize just how important a lot of my relationships are and how impactful having someone you can open with is. So I wanted to talk to you guys about the importance of vulnerability and share some of the takeaways I’ve gathered along my mental and emotional health journey.
Prior to this last year in therapy it was really hard for me to feel my feelings, as well as show them. It’s always been uncomfortable for me to express my true feelings, especially when it may involve getting hurt or looking weak. No one wants to put themselves out there completely; only to be rejected or ridiculed in the end. However, because I held everything in, I found myself having these intense emotional meltdowns about every six months and would completely shut the people in my life out. Not only did I feel like shit during these times, but the way I handled it made the people in my life feel like shit too. Although I’ve come far in my journey I still have a long way to go. I wanted to share this with you guys because I want you guys to know that it’s okay to tell people exactly how you are feeling. If you need some time to process or some space that’s okay to say too. But you should never not express how you feel. We have a tendency to shut down when we are in our feelings, usually because we are afraid to be that vulnerable- even with ourselves. The intensity that may come along with that can be a lot to handle, especially when we aren’t used to being so open. Before you can open up to others, you have to be able to be open with yourself. This starts with actually sitting with your emotions. Letting yourself feel them and being honest with yourself about what is happening inside your mind and heart. Don't judge yourself for the feelings that come up. Everything that you are feeling is valid. We have a tendency to criticize our own thoughts and question if we should even be feeling whatever it is we are feeling. Yes you should, that’s why you feel that way. You aren’t stupid, you aren’t weak, you are no less of a person- you are human. It takes a lot of courage to be human and go to that deep emotional place within ourselves. You have to be willing to face your fears (fears of rejection, fears of weakness, fears of looking stupid, fears of heartbreak, etc.) and accept them. You have to be willing to let go of pride and ego. Many of us lose out on friendships or relationships because we refuse to open up, and it makes the other person feel like they don't matter. It makes them feel like you don’t care. It makes them feel like there is something wrong with them.When really it has nothing to do with them at all. However, your actions aren't saying that. If you trust your friends and family and/or the person you’re dealing with, have the conversation with them. Let them know that you are struggling to open up and let them know why. This usually stems from trauma from past experiences. Talk about it. And if you aren’t ready for that step yet, start writing about it in a journal. Get those feelings out. It’s important to have people or even just one person that you can show all yourself to. All parts of who you are: The good, the bad, the goofy, the sad, the angry, etc. Someone that will still be there and love you after you’ve revealed your truest self. However, I want to be very clear; everyone doesn't deserve the privilege to hear your story. Everyone doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing who you are. You open up to people that you know and are sure love you and care about you unconditionally. Vulnerability does have its boundaries. Remember nothing great ever came out of holding back. Something great comes out of taking chances and being brave enough to go to a place that may be uncomfortable. Regardless of the outcome, you win. If you are rejected, if you aren’t accepted; at the end of the day it’s their loss. Take a chance- for a chance at happiness. Take a chance- for a chance at success. Let’s Talk.
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Hey Ya’ll. Let’s reminiscence a bit shall we. Remember that one friend that you had the best time with!? You know, the one that pushed you to do crazy things, you went to parties with , and you ALWAYS had a story to tell after hanging out with them? Yea that one. We’ve all had (or have) someone in our life that we had the best with, someone that encouraged us to go outside our comfort zones, and someone that kept us on our toes in a good way.
However for some of us, eventually we started to notice that person may not have been the healthiest for us. They possibly neglected how we may have been feeling and maybe just ignored our opinion all together. All they cared about was how they felt, what they wanted to do, and having you around- regardless of if you wanted to be there or not. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been listening to my friends vent about what they’ve been going through with other people they’re close to. Many of them told stories that I felt exposed repetitive neglect and lack of a mutual respect for the friendship. They told stories that revealed one sided friendships where somehow THEY were always made to feel as though they weren't a good friend, they weren't putting in enough effort, even though they put in ALL the effort; they made all the sacrifices. Unfortunately, I've noticed one thing that has become a bit concerning- How reluctant people are to address the toxic behavior pattern and/or letting go of a potential (or obvious) toxic connection. Just in case someone never told you this… you literally DO NOT have to be friends with people you do not like. That is not to say you should be unkind to those you don't like, but you do not have to go the extra mile, engage, or spend time with people that drain you of your energy. If spending time with someone seems more like a chore or job that you don't ever enjoy, that may be a sign to distance yourself from that person and reflect if that relationship is a good one for you. You could start off having a conversation with your friend and let them know how they make you feel. Let them know you feel neglected, taken for granted, or whatever it is you feel when you interact with them. If they really care about you they won’t only apologize, you will also notice changed behavior or you’ll at least see the effort. Sooner rather than later. If so, you may start to feel better in the friendship and that there is now mutual consideration and support. But, if that doesn't work, and you don't notice a change, nothing is wrong with cutting them off. There is something I want all of you to keep in mind- You are deserving of people that want to be a light in your life. People that bring good energy and you enjoy being around. People that you can have honest conversations with and will be accountable for their actions. People that make an effort to show you how much they care about you and make sure that you’re good. You do not have to settle for whoever decides they wanna be around you. They may just be tryna steal your energy. Don't let them.Your energy is valuable and not everyone deserves is. Are you having trouble in your friendships? Do you not feel valued or respected? Do you need help starting the dialogue? Let’s Talk. Hey Ya’ll! We’ve gotten through the first month of the year and it has been very eventful. With that being said; coming into February we all can’t help but await (or dread) Valentines Days ( or what I like to call, “Single’s Awareness Day”). Trust me- not having a partner or date on this day is not the end of the world. For single people, this is just another day of the week that goes by. However if you’d still like to find a way to get through it without sulking at home; I have a few ideas to help prevent you from going into a single’s depression.
1. Ask One of Your Friends Out On a Date and Be Their Valentine When we think of Valentine's Day we typically think of this being exclusively for romantic couples, However this is a time and opportunity to celebrate ANYONE you love and is special to you. Invite one of your single friends out to dinner and have a good time. You can also gift each other with cute gifts, flowers, or cards. Just because they aren’t your romantic partner doesn’t mean you can’t show some lovely gestures. Go out and celebrate; enjoy this day of love, like everyone else. 2. Netflix and Chill However going out and gift giving may not be your style. In this case I suggest binge watching a Netflix series and inviting some of your single friends to join you. You guys can order (or cook) some good food and buy some snacks. Spend all night having a good Netflix and chill time with the people you love the most. Even if you don’t invite people over this is also a great way to get through the day or evening by yourself. It will keep you entertained and your mind/heart occupied. Some of my favorite series at the moment that I suggest include:
3. Be Your Own Valentine Use this day as an excuse to show YOURSELF some love! Isn’t that what this whole day is about ? Showing love to those you love? Why not show appreciation and care to the most important person in your life (that’s you!). Go out and get yourself some nice things, treat yourself to a mani-pedi, dress up, grab yourself your favorite food- anything that'll make you feel great. There are so many ways to show yourself some love- not only on this day, but any other day of the year. Some other things you can do to show yourself some love include:
4. Turn Up and Have Fun! A lot of cities host fun events for singles on Valentines Day. For example where I’m from one of the clubs is hosting an R&B event meant to help singles find a person of interest or if not, enjoy some great music. Don’t be stuck at home wishing you were out having a good time. Even if there isn’t an event of interest going on in your area, there is always a place available for you to grab a drink and dance the night away. 5.Go On With Your Day If all else fails, go on like it was any other day. Be positive. Be productive. Make it a good day. Sometimes we don’t need to fill our day up to make us feel better that we are alone on a day where it seems that everyone else has someone. All we have to do is go on like it’s a normal day. Honestly, it is. Valentines Day does not have to be that one day of the year dedicated to emotional eating and sulking, while lying in bed wishing that you were in a relationship. This day doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Regardless of if you're celebrating Single Awareness Day or Valentines Day, it’s a day about love nonetheless. Show your friends , family, and yourself some love and enjoy yourself in any way you see fit. What are your plans for Valentines Day? How will you be celebrating? What feelings does this day bring up for you? Let’s Talk. Anxiety About What’s Going To Happen Next : The Pressure We Put On Ourselves To Have it All Together1/12/2020 Hey ya’ll! As a new college graduate, people keep asking me the same question - “So what’s next?” To be honest, I really have no idea. Sure, I have somewhat of a plan. I want to go to grad school, I want to find a nice paying job, and I want to accumulate assets. Although I know this is what I want to do, I have no idea how I’m going to make any of this happen. Other people in my situation, have no plan at all. The truth is, none of us know what we’re doing and we are all just winging life.
Lately, I’ve been having conversations with people about what jobs they’re applying for, the interviews they’re going on, where they’re planning to move. But I’m also having conversations about the anxiety associated with not having any plans and having nothing lined up to establish your future. What I’ve discovered is that there is fear associated with both situations. We are all afraid of the unknown. Usually being unsure and not having any immediate plans is seen as a weakness/ shortcoming within society. For this reason, when people have no clear idea of that they’re next moves will be, they may develop feelings of anxiety, shame, and depression. However, not having a definite plan or being attached to a plan is probably the greatest thing ever. It less likely that you will be disappointed when things don’t go according to plan and you're more open to where life will take you. Likewise, having a plan can be equally as nerve wrecking. Although you may have a plan, you still may be experiencing anxiety. You may be questioning if you really want to go this route, whether you’ll be good enough, or if you should be trying something else and investigate other options. These doubts and questions are perfectly normal as well and will continue to happen throughout your life, with every new experience. Trust me- not knowing is not the end of the world. However, I do suggest taking some time to actually think about what you want to do and what your interests are. Then start exploring. If you don’t try, you aren’t going to realize what direction you may want to go in. And remember- Life will take you in many different directions as time goes on. The first direction, most likely won’t be the only direction. You can also go in more than one direction at a time. How are you feeling about your upcoming future? What are some things that you’re interested in getting into, that you aren’t quite sure of ? Are you going with the flow of life or tryna stick with a plan? Let’s Talk. Insecurities in Relationships: Where They Stem From and How to Get Over Them (Follow Up Post)12/21/2019 Hey y'all. You may recall my previous article discussing the line between being disrespectful and just being nice, when it comes to giving other people compliments in front of their significant other. In that conversation, there were a lot of varying opinions. After digging a little deeper and asking a few questions, what I found is that the offense some may feel, in this situation, is rooted in insecurity.
Just like some of you, I’ve had my share of failed relationships (or situationships). The first man I ever gave my heart to did me dirty for four years. He played with my emotions and had me dangling from a string. He’d make so many promises, only to not follow through and it seemed like every few months there was a new girl in the picture that he’d rather be with other than me. So of course after going thorough something like that, you may be more cautious in the next relationship you get in (or when you get back in the dating game). My point is… I get it. This dating shit is hard and people suck. You go through traumatic, emotional experiences that shape your perception of people and your outlook on life. These experiences ultimately shape how you deal with people, the boundaries you put up, what you pay attention to, and how you overall engage with someone that is a potential love interest. However, how long are you going to let your past circumstances control how you see things? Of course, you should use what you’ve learned from your past to guide your future decision making, but you should not let it keep you from fully experiencing love; or life for that matter. How do you get over this? Truth is you may never get over this completely. Experiences change you. The first step, though, is to start your journey to healing and letting go. In this healing process you should be focusing on not only bettering yourself, but also improving the company you keep. Energy is everything. Those people that dogged you out did you a favor and gave you the tools to figure out the type of relationship you do/ don’t want. And if you aren’t aware- you deserve way better than what they gave you. So be open to better. What are some of your insecurities when it comes to dating and relationships? If your single, what’s holding you back from getting back into the dating game? What do you need to overcome these love obstacles? Let’s Talk. Where is the Line Between Being Disrespectful and Just Being Nice ?
By TeeJai Ivy Have you ever been on a date with a guy and when the waitress comes to greet you he tells her “Your really pretty” or perhaps you’ve been dating someone and they tell you that they saw a fine ass girl at the corner store. Are these actions disrespectful? Or are they actions of a man that believes he’s dealing with a woman thats secure enough in her relationship, that the kindness and awareness of her man doesn’t bother her. In my opinion this all depends on the individual in the relationship and their perspective on boundaries and respect. The other day I was conversing with my cousin and she was sharing a story about a potential love interest and how he was being a little too friendly with her roommate. According to her, he was making comments along the lines of “omg you're so cute!” and he said it more than once. From her perspective, he was flirting and making his interest known towards the roommate. Obviously this can be confusing, especially when someone is constantly telling you that YOU are the one that they want. However, after hearing this story I suspected that he was just being nice and maybe just laid it on a little too thick. Given my experience with men and that most of my best friends are men, I’ve had a glimpse into the male perspective. Through these in depth relationships I’ve gained a bit of an understanding of how they think and what their intentions may be in certain situations. That being said… Ladies most people want to deal with someone that is secure in themselves. They don’t want to feel restricted by the person they’re dating and that is not only limited to what they wear or where they can go; that also includes who they can hang with and what they can say to others. Just like you don’t want to be censored and controlled, neither does he. Although, when something is bothering you, that should be a conversation (not an argument). Find some common ground, gain some understanding, and let your boundaries be known. He can’t change something that he’s unaware of. A lot of times we see these statuses and photos on social media, painting a picture of what relationships should be like, shaping our expectations. Our boyfriends shouldn’t be too friendly, shouldn’t have any female friends, or compliment anyone that isn’t us. My question is, what is too friendly? Now don’t get me wrong y'all, if your guy is texting other women or going on dates, or engaging in other inappropriate behavior- I am not condoning that. What I am saying is that we are human and we should be allowed to be such, without it offending the person we are in a relationship with. Isn’t that what you want ? So tell me, when are the compliments a little more than just being friendly? And how would you go about dealing with this with a guy your interested in? Let’s Talk. |
AuthorHey y'all just here to give my advice and start a conversation. Lemme know what y'all think and let's have a conversation about the things we are all thinking about and tryna figure out. ArchivesCategories |